When they ask if you got here all right, reply “I always succeed in getting to where I’m going” then punch a nearby door.

Show you give 110% by pouring 10% too much water into your glass. Smile knowingly.

Tell them you won’t need a lunch hour because you’re powered by results. Then make a powerboat noise for about 8 minutes.

Unbutton your shirt to reveal a Superman ‘S’ & say “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s increased productivity!”

When asked if you want anything to drink, say “Just a glass of job please!” Then laugh for 15 minutes. No less.

When asked if YOU have a question, reply “Where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years’ time, nosey?” Laugh. Pass around some mints.

Bring a box to the interview, point at it and say “I do all my thinking outside of that.” Then open some champagne.

When asked what your weaknesses are, say Ryan Gosling. It’ll break the ice. Then say ‘persistent lateness’ or something.

When shown to the interview room, walk further up the corridor & say “I always go the extra mile!” Then click your heels.

Wear a sock puppet on one hand, make it whisper in your ear and say “What’s that, Mr Wuzzles? I seem ideal for the job?”

Loosen your tie as you enter & say “Phew! Is it me or did it get 100% more dynamic in here?” Then reverse high five them.

Get a friend to call you during the interview and say “I can’t talk now, I’m on a date. With destiny!” then wink at them.


Dress as an American footballer to show you’re a team player. And have ‘Sustained Growth’ written on your football. 

Say “I hope to become part of the furniture here.” Then crouch into a ball pretending to be a pouffe & never move again.

Show you’re a fast learner by wearing an L plate round your neck & a Usain Bolt face-mask. Don’t speak. They’ll get it.


When asked where you see yourself in 5 years, say “owner of a B&B for cats” and tap your nose like you know the market.

Produce 2 cans of Dr Pepper & push one over to your interviewer. Then break open yours & say to them “Virgo. Am I right?”

Give your interviewer a hollow pork pie. Then lean back and say “That’s your company - I’m your pork.”

Hire a billboard across the road from the interview room that shows you wrestling a bear. Point to it occasionally.


Guarantee a second interview by wearing clown shoes at the first interview and not mentioning it until the second interview.

If they extend their hand for you to shake, enclose it in your hands and say “Look! A hand-sandwich! I need this job.”

Know the interviewer’s name and use it during the interview. If you’re not sure what it is, call them “Jobsy” or “Jobbo”.


Tattoo your limitations down one arm. Interviewers admire honesty.

As you walk to the interview room with the interviewer, try to make small talk such as “You look like my real father.”

When asked where you see yourself in five years’ time, make your gas-filled chair rise above them and say “Here, Dawg.”